Musings

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See, that’s what the app is perfect for.

Sounds perfect Wahhhh, I don’t wanna
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You are twenty-two and you are feeling the kiss of a woman on your lips for the first time
Up until this point, the only intimacy you ever received was drenched in testosterone
You have no idea, but you have just met the love of your current life
She will not be your forever love, but she will change your love forever
Let her fill you with self-confidence
Let her love for you become self-love
Let the tumult and pain point you in the direction of self-assurance
You may only have her for a short time, but her freckles will still dance in your mind like the starry night under which you fall in love in the backseat of her RAV-4
You may not have her forever, but you will always have that beachside hotel room when she says your smile was the only thing keeping her alive
That day, you will make a vow to never frown again, without knowing she would cause you to break that promise quicker than you thought possible
Her love will be the yardstick to which you measure all other’s
So let the memory of her carry you into all of your future mishaps, mistakes, and misadventures
When it ends, let the light you once saw in her eyes guide you to the dance party in the middle of Palm Springs Pride
Don’t let your family’s skepticism cause a schism between your heart and your mind
And when your family asks how you love both genders , you say
“My heart may be broken, but even a fraction of my heart has more love in my heart than all of you combined.”

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Lavender & Peppermint

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You never did like the smell of lavender
or the taste of peppermint
You hated listening to pop punk and emo
even just the slightest bit

When you left, I felt shattered
like my world was caving in
But I realized once you closed the door
I felt a shift begin to happen

My laundry now smells like lavender
and my toothpaste is minty fresh
Peach Pit and Fall Out Boy ring from the speakers
As I take in my first true deep breath

Somehow my home is brighter
now that you don’t dull my shine
I’m finally seeing what truly matters
that the only opinion worth hearing is mine

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Breaking Up Is

Changed passwords
Blocked numbers
Averted eyes
Skipped songs
Wasted tears
Dropped hearts
Forwarded mail
Confirmed suspicions
Emptied houses
Belated apologies
Cluttered minds
Divvied belongings
Angered glares
Unuttered words
Unanswered questions
Reeled thoughts
Unwatched movies
Burned photographs
Dismissed calls
Liquored texts

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By the Gaslight

Dryer sheets are used to prevent static electricity
You don’t believe in them,
so every time we roll around in your unkempt bed,
Our bodies create flickers that dance around our soft, warm, bodies
The electricity formed from your bedsheets I mistook for a spark
I am addicted to the currents that flow through our blood
Limbs like live wires
Fueling the glowing glint of your gaslight
Suffocating me with your toxic fumes,
I should have known that methane can put someone in a trance like

Imperio! You had me under your spell
and I did things for you that I would be ashamed to tell my shrink
For you, because of you
Because of my unwavering hope
My hope that someday you would see me
as a match rather than
use one to ignite the flames that char my skin
Not the match that stoked the blaze within your sconce,
but to kindle the flame of our passion
The chalice that holds the only weapon you have in your arsenal against me:
your time
The weapon you use to hide your feelings

You say I coerced you
after you bought me a beer, held my hand, laughed at my jokes,
and then stuck your hand down the front of my jeans as I drove us home
To your home
Vultures only circle when something is dead
How did I not see them overhead as we laid naked in your bed?
When I drove you home from that concert last October,
you were too drunk to drive
I saved you from a DUI, right?
but you got one the very next week,
right?
Who would have known?

I should have.
You are not the first alcoholic with whom I’ve been enamored
and I doubt you will be the last
For someone as arrogant and educated as you,
you are mistaken when it comes to knowing how to treat someone
Did you skip that morning class? Where they teach you how to love? To feel?
You must have missed that one,
Too hungover from last night’s escapades
You fade
Into the bed
Clutching your head, swearing you’ll never drink again
But you do
Again
Each time it is worse

Sober you and drunk you are now two different people,
Severed like Adam Scott
It’s easy to dismiss responsibility when denial is on your side
When you blackout so often, you don’t even know what is real
When one doesn’t know what they do for half of their life,
it is easy to place blame on the other
Deny how you feel until it becomes real
We discussed our future children
An expectation to expect,
yet you told me to expect nothing
Regardless of the unspoken promises that filled the thick air
From which the methane so desperately clung
And I feel myself faint from the smoke

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See You In Six Months

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We love sex
But, what else do we love?
We love to drink
Flirt
Smooch
And spend the night
But, what else do we love?
What do YOU love?
I am unsure
Our liaisons are infrequent
Sporadic
Irregular
And often end in a haze
What else do you love?
Crave
Desire
And need from me
Amnesia
Like we never remember how this ends
But it always ends the same
“Just friends?”
Just friends
But how can we be friends if the only thing I know about you is your preferred underwear brand?
What do non-friends-friends talk about?

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See You In Six Months

We love sex
But, what else do we love?
We love to drink
Flirt
Smooch
And spend the night
But, what else do we love?
What do YOU love?
I am unsure
Our liaisons are infrequent
Sporadic
Irregular
And often end in a haze
What else do you love?
Crave
Desire
And need from me
Amnesia
Like we never remember how this ends
But it always ends the same
“Just friends?”
Just friends
But how can we be friends if the only thing I know about you is your preferred underwear brand?
What do non-friends-friends talk about?

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By the Gaslight

Dryer sheets are used to prevent static electricity
You don’t believe in them,
so every time we roll around in your unkempt bed,
Our bodies create flickers that dance around our soft, warm, bodies
The electricity formed from your bedsheets I mistook for a spark
I am addicted to the currents that flow through our blood
Limbs like live wires
Fueling the glowing glint of your gaslight
Suffocating me with your toxic fumes,
I should have known that methane can put someone in a trance like

Imperio! You had me under your spell
and I did things for you that I would be ashamed to tell my shrink
For you, because of you
Because of my unwavering hope
My hope that someday you would see me
as a match rather than
use one to ignite the flames that char my skin
Not the match that stoked the blaze within your sconce,
but to kindle the flame of our passion
The chalice that holds the only weapon you have in your arsenal against me:
your time
The weapon you use to hide your feelings

You say I coerced you
after you bought me a beer, held my hand, laughed at my jokes,
and then stuck your hand down the front of my jeans as I drove us home
To your home
Vultures only circle when something is dead
How did I not see them overhead as we laid naked in your bed?
When I drove you home from that concert last October,
you were too drunk to drive
I saved you from a DUI, right?
but you got one the very next week,
right?
Who would have known?

I should have.
You are not the first alcoholic with whom I’ve been enamored
and I doubt you will be the last
For someone as arrogant and educated as you,
you are mistaken when it comes to knowing how to treat someone
Did you skip that morning class? Where they teach you how to love? To feel?
You must have missed that one,
Too hungover from last night’s escapades
You fade
Into the bed
Clutching your head, swearing you’ll never drink again
But you do
Again
Each time it is worse

Sober you and drunk you are now two different people,
Severed like Adam Scott
It’s easy to dismiss responsibility when denial is on your side
When you blackout so often, you don’t even know what is real
When one doesn’t know what they do for half of their life,
it is easy to place blame on the other
Deny how you feel until it becomes real
We discussed our future children
An expectation to expect,
yet you told me to expect nothing
Regardless of the unspoken promises that filled the thick air
From which the methane so desperately clung
And I feel myself faint from the smoke

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